Warning: This is somewhat macabre post. Don't read, if you feel these kind of contents are negative.
Some people here who knows me to a certain extent already, can tell that I have a good life, fabulous living environment with enough material comforts. My immediate family members are perfectly healthy and happy.
My children are very happy, and we have great relationship. 17 year old is very mature and responsible, very intelligent, even as a young adult. His school work is meticulous, his academic achievement start to show his true talents in all areas. The important of them all is that he start to recognize his own potential (took some time to make him understand how exceptionally intelligent and capable he is; was the almost the hardest. ) I braced myself for tumultuous teenage years, but he skipped stupid and awkward antics and straight into maturity of 27 year old. I really can't find anything to be desired at this point.
9 year-old. He is the happiest child in the world. What can I say. He may not have academic achievement of his brother, but he has great, resilient character to offer. His mental strength in certain area can help his older brother in the future.
They are years apart, but also have great bond in between them and understand that, in years to come, they have each other.
Any parent would love to have such family in a heartbeat.That is what anyone wants and anyone would be working hard to achieve where I am at.
I am contributing to the community, I have a lot of good hobbies that are meaningful. I have a happy, good life, and I am a very happy person.
***
Yet, there is this nagging feeling of boredom and apathy.
In a way, I need constant challenge in my life, and I suppose I overcame all the challenges of the early human life in general such as raising a healthy family or establish oneself.
Mid Life Crisis? Certainly.
I bought 60,000 $ Steinway several years ago. That is about the same sticker price of Corvette or Hummer, isn't it? (And my piano still values about the same if not more. I doubt that 5 year old Corvette has same value.)
I can play some of the great piano literature from memory, on demand, and I can impress any musician, without using any excuse such as " I only learned when I was a kid."
Yet, all those achievement seems irrelevant and trivial. I don't feel like cheering myself for having a good life. "yay me!"... seems stupid. And I loathes everyone becoming Oprah's "Yay me! I overcame my drug abuse/ obesity/ poverty/ abusive relationship/ whatever you think you don't want in your life etc etc etc.. "
I wasn't stupid so I never be in that situation in the first place.
I always know when I was a kid, that I don't get those awards, because I was already above the level of *achievement awards* that some of the kids get. "Yay, you are able to count to 20!" awards? And I never resented the fact that I was always smarter than other kids, which means i hardly ever get praise, nor teachers ever let me answer the question, when I raise my hands.
Many teachers asked questions deliberately that the most kids doesn't know, so they can sustain the classroom for some attention, yet, they refuse to let me answer, because they knew I know the correct answer of Shakespeare's "Hamlet" quote or who wrote "Beneath the wheel" or "Brothers of Karamazov" in 5th grade class.
so yea, to me, achievement is not a big deal.
I didn't even think those i described above was an achievement till recently. I thought that is no brainer, common sense stuff everyone has to do.
Having a right path is not an achievement for me. It is expected and quite compulsory.
***
We sometimes see the news of a suicide by a person with full of talents and great life. And as anyone else, I always wondered what went *wrong* with that person's life.
But recently, it occurred to me that maybe there was nothing *wrong* with his/her life. All of a sudden, it came to me that you can just end your life in absolute certainty that you have absolutely perfect life.
******
The society we live might think that it is a conflicted view. But I don't think so. Those views are based on the notion that death is a bad thing.
Think for a second.
Death is bad for the people who are left. It is a very selfish sentiment by the family or friends.
The who is dead is dead, and could careless what happens after. Or, rather, one can't do anything about it.
I always thought vaguely that I really don't want anyone to throw any typical funeral for me. It is stupid. Several grand for dead me? They should just discard my carrion somewhere and go to vacation or have a nice dinner.
Now, I'm sure of the reason why. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for themselves by the passing of myself. lol
It is NOT true, "death = negative, bad thing."
